Unexpected begining
He had own hands in front of his head as he persistently walked through decayed trees. He protected eyes with open palms and tried to raise a chance that his cheeks would not be scratched more than already were.
The ending of branches kept cutting his clothes and with every next step the possibility of being hurted more got higher and higher.
Panic ran through his mind and he didn't own the plan of what to do or where to go.
"Just keep going, keep... going...", pulsed all over his body.
Dry trees stood close to each other to almost as the sentence which is screaming "No" to him, to let him know that he didn't belong here, that he needed to turn back and walk away..
Every next step into the unknown area cost him a lot of power that his mind tried to maintain from source he own.
Rage and sorrow.
He was exhausted and desperate.
"KEEP GOING, JUST KEEP GOING", still was beating within his heart.
The merciless branches of the dead forest's guardians kept hitting him without any remorse
There were more red lines over his face, hands, and body.
He didn't look to the left, or to the right to check and be comfortable by anything...
... he just was putting one foot in front of the other ...
... there wasn't any possibility to stop and wait right now for him ...
... he needed to find her...
... It was the only one thinhg that was truly matter right now.
His movement was slowed down as the heaviness of sadness was felt everywhere.
...
The trees in front of him were in the shape of a dense wall.
He couldn't go any further and the pressure of unacceptance raised voice within him.
This trapping feeling went out of his mouth in a high and sharp scream.
"I need... I need to continue, I... just ... need ...", his head bent down in sorrow.
The ugly, hostile surroundings gripped him tightly.
The mind was out of normality as he was standing there in silence.
"I will find you, Do you hear me? I will", he said his promise.
He leaned against that wall with all his might...
... the tears started pouring from dry eyes.
The unexistent bricks from tree's wall vanished as if they were just a smoke of his own mind.
There was so much wide space suddenly...
... so so much ...
... unpleasant lonely space poitnted to his bare heart
The gloomy mist was moving there.
He was still feeling the squizzing hand of emotional pain.
The plain of sorrow kept shacking with him as the hopeless forest.
"Where are you?", he asked to the nothingness.
"Where ... are .. you??", he whispered in hoppe to be heared.
The hope was fading...
... his knees hit the ground.
... and he touched the dirt of land by his head.
He let the place take him into timelessness... to touch, to keep her presence didnt fade completely..
...
His heart moved by life forace as the sound of a river filled up his ears.
He stood up in excitement and tried to run on stumbling feet to the place somewhere, not much far from him.
The pressure on his chest eased and he could slowly breathe the new possibility.
The fresh air filled up his chest and it allowed him to look around.
Few greet trees were standing in a curved line in front of him.
"It needs to be our river!", he realized loudly.
His shoulder released the rest of his worry tension and the sound of roaring waters caught his attention.
The flowing mass of water cherished his soul and his mind was under loving attention to see her smiling face.
.
He looked beyond the line of trees and saw the gray reflection of a massive rock.
He didn't wait for anything and ran in that direction.
His mood changed with every touch of the soaked ground as the whole scene started to be brighter and greener as a touch of alive presence of divine artist.
.
The vibe of enthusiasm was filling his belly and raised to meet the heart. The river was dancing with joy through the stones and trees started to bloossom.
The waterfall appeared in front of him like a bolt from the blue. He almost ran into steady waters from where the river as a sleepy snake continued its path over the land.
He stopped put his hands on the knees as he was breathing heavily to calm the pressure of ethusiasm down.
"She has to be here, somewhere, this is our place!!", he thougt for himself and was holding breath while he was looking to all around...
...he noticed a small stooped figure.
It was wearing a gray dress and was watching the high peak of the waterfall.
The wind blew past him.
It lifted his hair, his shirt, and his baggy pants fluttered in the line of his look.
It passed out when the gust of wind reached the woman...
"Yes it was a woman.", reflected the spark of love in his eyes.
The movement of windy handy blew towards her stopped him as nothing moved on her, not even the slightest flutter of her long hairs
He didnt want to stop, the shock shacked with him for a while ...
... as he noticed how she was standing near the waterfall and the drops passed through her body as if she didn't exist.
He shook by his head and did a step of courage towards her.
The river was losing its joy and the green color of trees started fading out with every one of his small steps to the true...
He didn't want to or rather didn't know how to process the pain of his loss, and somewhere deep inside him he still was hoping that everything could be as it was before.
"Ah, here you are..." he spoke to her in a regular tone as she will turn towards him and reply
"Let's go home"
... but ...
She didn't respond, he didnt saw her smile as she didn't turn to him...
... deathly silence of non presentness was the response.
She stood still as a tree, with no signs of noticing him or anything around her.
He noticed her bowed head and drooping shoulders.
"Are you crying?? Is something wrong? ... ... ...", he tried to ask.
His words were stolen from his mouth and never echoed in space.
Panic, fear with trembling shacking hand were suddenly back.
The colors completely disappeared and the waterfall froze in place, as if it was just a blue transparent clay statue.
He raised his hand carefully ...
... the small flame of hope flickered in his heart.
His fingers moved forward he body as he wanted to comfort her with the touch that always brought her back to the present moment, back to him, back home.
Back into peace by the love of their hearts.
Nothing could stop his movement.
It passed through her ilusionary body and it vanished as smoke into the night sky with thousands of stars
His eyes opened with the understanding and dull sharp pain of that truth flew through his oppened heart.
Her white bridal veil was slowly falling to the ground...
... as his tears were faling with it..
He wanted to catch it, stop it from touching the ground and disappearing like she did.
Through a stream of tears, he missed and it fell to the dusty ground too.
The edges of the white lace were moving in the wind, as a sign of the life that still existed within him.
The white memory turned gray and melted under his gaze like a snowflake exposed on a warm skin.
"Her warm skin that he would never caress again.", was the last emotional movement of his heart.
She had been dead for several years now, he knew it, he thoutgh tha he accepted it, but sometimes in the dream time... his heart was still calling and searching for her without any of his possibility to control those emotions still trapped in body..
He woke up and opened his eyes too quickly
The light of the morning Sun was sharp. He got a feel that his body didn't rest overnight again .
He put his feet on the floor and was sitting at the edge of the bed.
His head was looking down, resting fidding some power to raise up that he finaly found.
There was a photo of her on the cabinet in front of him.
He saw her face, sensed her, and was grateful that he could spend a part of his life by her side.
Her smile was bright...
..she was dressed in a white half-unbuttoned shirt
... and her hair over her shoulders layed softly, her hands covered by painter's paints were touching his memory of her loving care..
Spontaneity with full of joyful calm was captured in the picture and was soothing him, speakign to him
"I don't know Lidy with what I'm still fighting... maybe there is a part within me that wants to be sure that you are alright, I wish you were.", he replied to that voice.
He stood up and walked to the window to look at the morning sky, Ignoring the concrete world around him.
It was his morning ritual to let this type of space bring him more into the present moment, bring some softness to his mind.
The sky was overcast, but it didn't scare him.
He watched the clouds that were floating by and felt happy that they were exactly as he saw them.
"This is a reality, the real world to live in, even for you", flowed within him
"Daaad, your breakfast is on the table... I'm running to work", yealed a voice of his daughter.
The sound of the closing of main door followed her voice .
He folowed by ear this sound dance and recognized the sound of her bare feet as they were rapidly bouncing on the stairs.
His look went from the sky down to the twenty-year-old girl who ran out of their house. She was trying to catch the bus, which had already arrived at the bus stop on the street..
His heart was filled up with her swaying run.
He smiled more as he noticed how she were holding shoes in hands and waved on the driver to let him know to wait.
The joy was present in his heart and there almost wasn't any memory of the emotional fight during dream.
Margaret, his daughter has long brown hair, a thin and short body with a heart full of care for others. She decided to help people after her mother passed away, at least in the professional area. Her personal agency does what it can so that peaople in needs can find employment in what would make them happy to secure their lifes.
He watched as her feet disappeared behind the closing bud door.
She was all like mom, smiling and able to find original solutions with a friendly attitude even in situations, figuratively speaking, with trousers down.
"She is whole you, Lidy. Maybe that is why she can handle the fact that you are not with us better than I", he whispered with his smile, as his wife was standing beside him.
"Dad??", he heard a voice behind him.
"Yes, Philip?", he answered and turned to the bedroom doors.
There was a tiny timid boy and he shuffled nervously from one foot to another.
He wanted to run toward him and jumped on him as usual, but his changing behavior lately was confusing for him, and he didn't understand that.
"Shall we go to see Mom? I created a gift and I wanted to show it to her. Maybe it will
bring a joy for her in heaven." he finally said finaly.
He smiled a little bit afterwards and his eyes were gentle.
Father smiled back and he replied for himself.
"Oh son, thank you, son, that I needed to hear today and she will be definitely proud of you"
"I think we can go after breakfast Philip, my boy", he said aloud.
"All right then, I'm going to eat it, fast", replied Philip to him and ran off.
His dad smiled and he looked around with worries.
His usable clothes were lying all over his armchair and forced his legs to make a move and very slowly movent carried him to dress himself,
His eyes noticed a book on the table. The book was covered by dust a little bit as he did not have much interest in it for some time.
"HOW TO KEEP LUCK IN LIFE, author Kamil Hopl", was written on the cover.
He picked it up carefully and he was feeling the awkwardness to touch it.
"That was truly a pathetic name, mr author ", he stated.
Everything was fitting together when he was writing this book, and he was feeling the rising understanding of life. It was in time when Margaret was born. their long-awaited child. It was an unexpected gift at that time and he just fell in completely.
He had everything that he hoped for, amazing woman, successful work, and his family was growing as their love.
He didn't need anything else. He opened a random page of the book...
.. and he started to read one sentence in the middle of a paragraph.
"the joy of luck is beautiful with that .... it cannot be predicted.. it comes unexpectedly and it cannot be claimed. "
He almost closed the book in rage.
He felt himself as a mechanic being right now, that wanted to be in touch with systems that are safe and will not cause any troubles for his family.
but..
..it he read it.
This sentence touched his heart and ignited something withhin him after all.
"Breeeeeeakfest is finisheeeed ", yelled Philip from the kitchen.
Kamil smiled again.
The enthusiasm of his son was a true blessing.
"Lidy, our both children are living and just me is still dancing around it and I dont know what to do", he said and put the book back where it was before
He pulled his sweater over his head, pulled on his pants and socks, and headed for the door.
Philip was already there fastening his shoe buckles and was looking forward to going out.
He was thrilled by autumn, by the wind that blew everywhere with colorfull leaves,
It was pure joy, celebration of life.
Kamil's breakfast was still on the table, untouched, the steam was rising from freshly roasted coffee and there were eggs with two pieces of crusty toast.
He just breath in the love and care of his doughter, and put the decision eat it to the recent future.
The doors to the outer world made their sound the second time that morning.
Two boys, joyful and sad oone went out. The youth one was holding his father's palm with trust, and the adult one was moved by his solid squeeze.
The honesty of the son always brings him back to presentness, to home.
He could even sense the spark of joy within his heart that seems wanishing and comming back while unexpectively.
He took a deep breath and the sentenceo from hi sbook was spreading unnoticed within his body.
"It is some time while we were on her graveyard. Maybe it would be helpful for me to say something to her too, as my son is doing" went over his heart.
Philip was holding an envelope in a hand. He tried to protect it infront of wind that was so curiois about what he is holding, so he rather put it under the jacket to not damage it by squeezing it more and more...
... a wide smile appeared on his face as he wanted to give a note to wind, his friend that he, now, in this situation, won!
Kamil was pulling his head between the shoulders to keep some warm for his neck and let guiding them both through the gray streets to the city church.
He opened the small aside gate for lonely visitors.
The greenness of trees and grass suprissed his feelings. He stopped for a minute to let the surroundings and his feelings flow together in harmony.
He was feeling something similar, didnt know what it was.
He got a curious thought within his heart to oppen towards whatever it was.
"The peace and gentleness of the wind", he whispered and Philip nodded quickly.
They stood there war few seconds in silence.
Philip tried to find courage to break it as he didn't enjoy standing anymore longer and he ran excitedly to read his poem to he listening mom.
Kamil was with the feeling of loss again on how he was seeing his son's enthusiasm even in this place was inspiring.
He felt his innocent and he wished it for him to stay a slonger it can. He could see that he is between two worlds that maybe he is losing something important, and that it is a reality where his children are.
"There's no way that the pain for your loss could bind me like that. We have children and I don't want to disappear from their lives also. ", he whispered
He felt guilty for his wife, for how he had promised to love her forever.
He cried out of the shame silently.
"I understand Kamil, don't be so harsh on yourself", said a familiar voice.
He looked around and he saw her standing there in a tinge of hazy light. She was beautiful as always.
He wanted to hug her, but she stopped him with a movement of her hand.
"I'm just a light Kamil! Admit it that I belong to diferent place from that I can care and love our family still, let accept that so I can come freely if necessary", she said gently.
He looked at her, she was wearing the blue sweater that she loved and her flowery dress was blowing in the imaginary wind..
"I love you Lidia and I miss you, I dont know how to be with thise feelingt..." - Kamil blurted out
"Stopp fight them an dlet them go, Im here and I will be if it will be necesary, go and live your live, for you, your children and for me as well. Be filled with love again let it flows within you and cherish averyting around you", she siad.
Kamil smiled back to her blessing words
"Be well Kamil, you are a good man, and you are loved Don't forget about that," was last she said
She took a few steps towards him and kissed his cheek.
Kamil's heart opened up and opened up to the ever-present flow of life that overflow him and never stopped since there.